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Tuesday, July 29th, 2008
12:21 am - Update. Part1
AS ALWAYS!: If you read this, please comment. I dont care if its just an X I want to know because it makes me feel very ... liked.

I had a nervous breakdown today. I did, I was driving to my grandparent's house from my other grandparents' (2hr drive) on a highway I know like the back of my hand, almost to the amount of turns and speed changes. I got a flat. I've never gotten a flat before, not once in my life nor have I ever been in a car with someone when we got a flat. I have seen enough movies to know how to change a tire and how to put a car on a jack, however I dont have a jack, or the handbook to my car describing the jack points or lift points I should use.

I called my mother and as soon as the words "I got a flat" escaped my mouth I became furious, started crying, and started getting upset to a point that I havent reached in 4 months 2weeks and 2 days. I know I love how that worked out too, however I have it documented in my personal journal (written one not typed one) to trace my break downs. Let me explain to you why I had a break down.

Krista: Krista is my fag-hag for people who dont like that term or dont know what it means, it means she's an incredably good friend of my who I consider a sister despite the fact that we annoy each other some times to the point of wanting to strangle one another, at least that much anger was generated heh. Krista has a truck, but due to stupid rules of her current residence (Turner Job Corps of Albany Georgia) She is not aloud to keep it at Turner where she LIVES or state that she has one. This is fine most of the time as she is constantly broke, due to being a college student and the fact that while turner supplies her with a packet of food cupons that cover 5 dollars of food from Subway a day, she stays at the college from about 8-6ish, at least she used to. for about two months or so she has been staying at my Grandparent's house with me, this is fine however I am a person who loves my solitude, there is a reason I do not speak to many people. I like to be alone. She sleeps in my computer room, confining me to my laptop which cannot run games. Again all of this is fine because it is two days out of the week, and she does deserve some comforts that she is not given very often. (less than thrice a year.) this causes tension, because while I am a very nice person who if you know me in person I will do favors for you for more than likely, just your company if I happen to like talking to you. I love talking to her about things we have a nuetral point in, I dont talk about her pesonal religion, she stays away from my personal views, at least she tries to. 

That is just the back story. Krista Part 2: Krista is leaving Turner Job Corps on August 12th and moving in with my straight eye candy and GREAT friend Tre. Again fine, they have no interest in one another romantically which will not make it awkward in that aspect. Tre's contribution to my tension will come later I promise you. Tre lives about 3blocks away from me which means 1.5 minutes of driving. (Yes I'm that freaking lazy and its georgia heat.) Which means that Krista will still be hanging out at my house just not as much, and never spending the night WHICH MEANS!!! I can stay up as late as I want playing video games on my desktop and enjoying the silence and solitude that I enjoy. To get Krista settled we need to get her her Truck, no problem the Truck stays at my grandparents during school breaks (cops dont patrol the grounds as often during breaks so its safer at our house and we have the room.) Problem 1. Truck has no gas, Krista gets job without problem and providing very little tensions for me as of late. Problem2. Truck needs plates, however Krista is from Atlanta which is four hours north and about 168-180miles away, in her father's name. NEED TO FIX THIS! So, we learn that we have to go to the tags office and grab it for 25$. Krista calls her father and gets the 25$ into her account. We call around all day getting it set up so she can get her tag before I go out of town (this is thursday) after 2hrs of calling and setting up we get teh papers faxed to the dumbest cops in albany when Krista called she said "Yes I live in Albany, Dougherty county ### ### ### ## MY Zip is ########" Cop: "WEll do you live in teh county our the city?" *Sigh* 

TBC tomorrow.

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Sunday, March 9th, 2008
3:43 am

You are The Magician

Skill, wisdom, adaptation. Craft, cunning, depending on dignity.

Eleoquent and charismatic both verbally and in writing, you are clever, witty, inventive and persuasive.

The Magician is the male power of creation, creation by willpower and desire. In that ancient sense, it is the ability to make things so just by speaking them aloud. Reflecting this is the fact that the Magician is represented by Mercury. He represents the gift of tongues, a smooth talker, a salesman. Also clever with the slight of hand and a medicine man - either a real doctor or someone trying to sell you snake oil.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

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Saturday, June 23rd, 2007
5:02 am
someone once said that humanity is that thing people have until they realize that the human race is failed.

That doesnt make sense, and odds are that I probably heard it in my dreams. But I really hate realizing that we're all doomed and the few things that make me happy always seem to fuck up.

My humanit isnt lost, but every day I seem to say 'human' at least once instead of people. I find being classfied as a human is insulting even though I know that i am one. 

School is going well, I have the hots for my math teacher, which is scary because he isnt all that attractive he just seems to have this pull.

My grades stand at
History: b
Math: C (I hate coordinate planes, after the last test though it is a B)
Public speaking: A+ (95)

My car is hurt, she keeps showing the brake and battery light at the same time for about ten seconds, we had her checked out and they said it might be the alternator but I have no idea.

My brother was in jail, and is out on bond while he awaits his court date in september.

Speaking of legal shit, no there is no news, I am on bond, with it hanging over my head and hurting my chest and head and heart whenever I think about moving back to atalnta, because the fear still haunts me, One night when I was in atlanta last. An ambulance ran down my street with its lights on, I fell to a knee just with the instant pain i felt. 
I told my mother that if I was taken to jail again I think they would have to put me on suicide watch, I couldnt handle being acccusded of such a horrid crime, and then coming to terms that there is no recovery from the accusation

I can see it in the eyes of my old friends, when I see them here and there, there is a vacant stare and I feel the hatred... Wow. That's overdramatic, but as Alastair once put it: "Youre a drama queen." To which I responded "Fuck you, I'm gay" 

There is a love interest, His name is TJ. HE's very cute, a little dense in that southern country way, but he's cute and oddly smart. He's in trig, and goign for calc in the fall. He is transfering to Georgia tech, when he is done here, which is in atlanta, which is where i am from, which is where if anything happens I believe it will there.

For those who are asking in their heads, yes he's real, and we hang out daily in the student center at darton. 

*sigh* Life.... 

Nick is fine, which has taken a bit off of my chest. I get so worried about him, he's always stood by me and I dont feel like I have helped him half as much as he has helped me.

I'm serious on this note though: If you have read this please just make some kind of a comment. I know i dont comment much anymore but I do read y'alls posts all the time. ITs just I cant think of anything constructive to say. 

-Sek, Dyl, or The Big Gay Teddybear.

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Monday, April 9th, 2007
5:20 am
I'm alive for those who still even read this. My finals... *sighs* I may fail history. fuck. watching brokeback mountian Heath's accent is really pitiful. I mean you can almost see whatever is in the side of his mouth making him talk like that. I love the kissing part though, how they push each other back and forth then make out. like that. *yawns* its 0525 night.

Chris. I'm sorry but we pissed each other off and if I didnt piss you off you sure as hell annoyed me. I loved when we were together but in the end well fuck 'There's nothing here for' you. So what do I need to explain?

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Sunday, March 25th, 2007
5:30 pm - wow a test that actually worked
<table width=350 align=center border=0 cellspacing=0 cellpadding=2><tr><td bgcolor="#CDDEFF" align=center><font face="Georgia, Times New Roman, Times, serif" style='color:black; font-size: 14pt;'><b>You are an Atheist</b></font></td></tr><tr><td bgcolor="#EBF2FF"><center><img src="http://images.blogthings.com/whatsyourreligiousphilosophyquiz/atheist.jpg" height="100" width="100"></center><font color="#000000">
When it comes to religion, you're a non-believer (simple as that).
You prefer to think about what's known and proven.
You don't need religion to solve life's problems.
Instead, you tend to work things out with logic and philosophy.</font></td></tr></table><div align="center"><a href="http://www.blogthings.com/whatsyourreligiousphilosophyquiz/">What's Your Religious Philosophy?</a></div>

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Tuesday, March 13th, 2007
1:56 am
Well I'm here as always. Actually today is the wrost I've had for a while. Its just my suppressive nature, and today it comes down on me. I'll be fine but damn... I just feel bad.

I hope for things to make me happy and they all fall through. Like meeting up with chris. Fell through like last time only this time we didnt go out for lunch like last time.
Hope to meet up with frost online and it failed again. But that's not a problem just kind of a downer. I know what he's doing for the most part and that he has a lot of work to do.
The problem with chris is that he had to work which is great, but when he promised to come see me and then it failed, JUST LIKE last week. argh.

EVE-online is going well. we're in a war again but it happens I cant wait to be out of the alliance we're in, it sucks ass heh.

I keep feeling like I have someone behind me, but there's no one there just kind of a visage in the corner thing but a lot of people get that.

anyway I hadn't updated in a while so I thought I should.

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Sunday, February 11th, 2007
4:59 am

I'm doing fine I'm in woodland again, just having some fun with my cousin Drew, and his semi-hot friend from maryland. The friend's name is Zach and he's actually pretty cool. he's bi-polar and on um seraquil which will knock out a elephant heh. not really but I take four times his perscription and I was out for 24hours straight.    so he keeps taking his meds at dinner and cant stay awake to watch stuff with me and drew, but he's got a great ass and cute face.

I'm annoyed at crhis because he keeps saying that I'm not attracted to him or that he doesnt turn me on, and he does, he realy does. But if we're together for more then a week we get on each other's nerves too much. So I just want to see him whenever I get up to atlanta (If you're reading, I know you couldn't because of drill at least I hope that's true.) . tis complicated

plus I dont want a relationship right now. not if it isnt completely on my terms. Which no relationship should be, its turns into always being in control, always having your way, and finally turning into my father.

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Monday, February 5th, 2007
5:37 am - Family tale



Sticks and Stones…



When my Grandfather Nelson was younger, he and his double first cousin Pafford created one of the often told Goolsby family tales. Pafford’s mother was Nelson’s Mother’s sister and Pafford’s family lived only across the street, needless to say they played together many days. Pafford had always been a bully since he was a year or two older then Nelson, and that’s just what cousins do. That day was no different; Pafford was pushing Nelson around like he had done all week and teasing Nelson. Now my grandfather was always a nice person but after being bullied all his life by his older cousin he was ready to fight. Nelson picked up a stone and hurled it at Pafford’s head. Pafford fell to the ground crying as his head began to bleed.


Pafford’s crying made his mother and Nelson’s mother come outside to see what was happening. Pafford’s Mother ran to get the kerosene or as it was generically known then, the lamp oil. While Nelson’s mother grabbed a switch and took my grandfather over her leg, when Pafford’s mother returned my great grandmother started whipping Nelson’s behind and pouring the lamp oil over Pafford’s head. This continued for a quite a while, because as the story goes: When Nelson’s mother’s hand got tired she handed the switch to her sister to beat Nelson while she tended to Pafford’s head.


Obviously my grandfather never heard the saying “Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me”, but by the end of the day his behind prayed that Nelson would remember it.



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Thursday, February 1st, 2007
1:37 am
Yeah I'm alive. I'm just out of it. School is going well except my history professor is a religious zealot who loves talking about the bible and calling everything else mythology. I hate when people do that. annoyed with people all around everyone for different reasons I'll get around to it soon... off to bed.

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Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
2:19 am - Update for those who give a shit
yeah, I'm feeling better. Only one guy commented (thank you) on my other post, I still dont know anything on that .

school is okay, I like my english professor. math... the guy checks me out, and I wouldnt mind but its still wierd... need to check if its really what he is doing.

my brother is hurting, but he'll be okay I hope. I dont want to lose him, and I think he's in the right place.

I had another sleep test and we're not sure what will happen with that yet, they want to put me on a c-pap but insurance isnt helping as usual.

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Thursday, January 4th, 2007
8:55 pm
I heard from my lawyer today... he says that nothing has changed and he's had it with this new DA but he expects that in the next few weeks something will happen. I am stressing out my legs are already itching (stress reaction) and I'm just fucked over.... I seriously think that if it went to trial for something I never could imagine doing I might lose it one night and take my own life. This isnt just some drug charge this is a act that makes me sick to my stomach and I cant bare to think about..... it isnt right its just horrid. .... I ... fuck it. its just ... fucking fucked up. "Certianly shows the diversity of the word"

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Monday, January 1st, 2007
10:55 pm - *dies*
so I bought final fantasy12 today without even checking it out before hand and so far so good. But the guy who voices the main charact sounds so freaking fimiliar that I check it out.... and its my favorite 'same age' actor that I have loved since I saw him in "The Day the World Ended" its Bobby Edner... hehe... yay.

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Wednesday, December 27th, 2006
2:10 am - Away
YEah I'm in south bummblefuck georgia, just where I like it, besides no fast net. So I'm doing this at 24kb/s roar...... anyway I'm happy and all that, but just board... bored* I think
back sooner or later.

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Tuesday, December 19th, 2006
1:08 pm - christmas cheer is a narcotic
I feel so... blah. But whatelse is new? After sunday or saturday which ever is the 24th I wont have much net connection for a while although I'll probably check mail each day. its a 48kb/s connection so wont be able to do that much

And that also means no intimate RPing *hint hint* Till after the new year, so if I were to meet up with someone for that I'd like to get a lot in before I head off *hint hint* anyway.

I think I'll try to go out with friends while I'm in atlanta and see if anything has changed.

I cant contact him, I know it'll go badly, I just... erg. I cant stop thinking about him while I'm here. I cant help it and it tears me up inside that I cant talk to him or tell him this. I really hate it. I just dont know what else to do though.

I think I'll find a job somewhere in albany at least to get some money and do shit down there. Maybe find someone I can actually be comfortable with. I dont mind being single as long as I have someone to cyber with and that's growing harder to find (in general). I would join a community that does it, but i want to be attracted to the person I'm doing it with. I know as soon as i learn about there, I wouldnt want anything to do with them. but that's just me and again, I'm fucking nuts.

*yawn* I havent been up that long about 18 hours but it feels double that and just BLAH~! so roar. and I'm going to bed now I think. Yes sleep on a day like this sounds nice.

If there is still anyone out there who reads this please comment............. I dont up date that often anyway

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Sunday, December 17th, 2006
8:54 am - updatedness
Well then

  1. I have extreme sleep apnea and will be tested again on thursday
  2. I have seven new cuts on my arms (both of them FINALLY) ... (No one will get that.)
  3. I failed english (not a surprise to anyone, she was a hellbeast) Passed spanish horridly and passed math amazingly
  4. my brother is in a halfway house and he is tolerating it.
  5. My mother is sleeping again after not sleeping for three days with the crisis of my brother
  6. I waant a dog again.
  7. I cant stop thinking of him... I just left him there.... I left him alone without a reason.
  8. Off to bed for me.

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Tuesday, December 12th, 2006
9:58 am - Fading
The stress is getting to me heh. my brother will going into the halfway house and thank god for that but... I dont know just wanting him to stay there. and hoping my mom will get better is just so hard. I dont know how that's hard, but I am running off of almost 48 hours awake with only one 3part meal (beef patatoes, and rice) I feel so weak. i cant sleep, I just lie in bed and my legs start to itch uncontroubly so... I'm fucked I just feel horrid. No appitite. and considering that its me, that isnt a good thing.

I would say I want someone to talk to, but its 5 am in the morning. guess I'll try sleep again.

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Friday, December 8th, 2006
2:24 am
So he's getting out *tear* and into a halfway house *hurray* so... damnit
I just feel horrible cause I had to scream at him that he has to go into that place and now I just feel bad saying such things. oh well maybe he'll stay there.

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Friday, December 1st, 2006
8:15 am - If this surprises you, you dont know me

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8:05 am - For those who actually read
Well I feel much better (thanks babe.) I got my mind off it for about four hours or so and it helped greatly. But I'll update you since I'm in a good mood and its short.

Well on wednesday they gave him a 1013 (MEaning he's a danger to himself and others and needs meds and to be held) which will help insurance and getting to see the right doctor. He will be held for a seven day period not counting weekends. We may make him go on a 28 but we're not sure. He's still very obsessed with Davey which is a problem because DAvey has put out a PRO and we that's not good. IT could mean my brother going to jail if he contacted davey. Well I dont know what to do.

Jon is quieting down, he's been talking to me lately and I think it was wierd because I forgot not to talk to him, while I was on a call with someone. That was wierd. Anyway, another day another adventure as it were. I have school in exactly 10 hours. I think I'll grab a shower and a bed. Well maybe a bed not sure yet.

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Thursday, November 30th, 2006
1:28 am - update - Please comment
We've commited him. He's in the pysche ward in atlanta now. My mother is hysterical. I'm waking up in places that I didnt go to sleep in. I'm scared because Jon isnt talking. I'm going with sleep walking because when I fall asleep in my computer chair and wake up in my bed or sleep in spanish and wake up in english. That one is a bit more odd.

I tried with someone and I think I pushed him away a little. But I dont know I'm just over anxious since I'm just so worked up. I cant .. concentrate yeet I'm writing this badly I might add.

My fingers are gliding over the keys, like tis too greasy when I havent eaten anything in about 14 hours. I think I may have another cough cold. I know that doesnt make sense but thats how it feels.

Now those that know me know that I dont really seem mentally sane, but the truth is, I am. I am mentaly sane just with depression. Jon talks to me sometimes I think he's giving me a break. I was going to write something but if I said I think I'd be a bit... off.

my story has halted since no one read it. I didnt see the point in keeping up for another day. plus I think Frost might not like it. Wonder why I called him that.

I'm going to bed me staying awake and letting my mind wander wont help me. I'll try to write out what's going on wtih my brother when I can.

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